I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
subtitles are so good nowadays
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady