GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Butt weight. There’s more!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Wait a minute