Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?