Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.


When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]


I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”


[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.


Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*


[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*


I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.