Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees