Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
You Might Also Like
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?