Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three