[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*