My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
You Might Also Like
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed