Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The smoothest fall of all time
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”