[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
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I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
favorite tropes as memes
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while