Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
You Might Also Like
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.