There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Inside you there are two wolves
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.