I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body