Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
be careful
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈