According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.