Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams