I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍