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Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
every single time
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.