It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it