Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work