That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.