@bug_deal

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

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@OctopusCaveman

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

@PhilLaysheO

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

@fluffysuse

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

@FinsterDavenprt

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

@MarfSalvador

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.