the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
🐕🍷
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
omg leave her alone
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit