Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.