Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Ummm
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Banking tips
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Kids: Stay in school.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face