Kids: Stay in school.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective