[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Breaking news:
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
❤️❤️❤️
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.