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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off