Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?