I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Just got to our Airbnb!
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”