HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I think this cat is broken
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator