HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
This has made my week.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
no one likes gloating
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed