How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?