I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet