WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB