A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint