My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
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I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
😂😂😂
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Good morning, Twitter 😊