Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Oh. My. God.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.