When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.