OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
fair
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.