My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“i miss shittin on people”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.