Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
You Might Also Like
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism