I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You Might Also Like
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.