My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.