Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Had an epiphany today.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?