I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds