Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
You Might Also Like
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”