Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*