Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.