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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.