[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date