My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time