@thejamietighe Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
@Lipgloss_Nerd My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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@thejamietighe 
@PaperWash [Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
@ladyfiredancer When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
@Bill_Nye_Tho there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
@TheTweetOfGod [email protected] Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
@noog *lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
@hand_jive Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
@peachgrenade In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
@Kyle_Raney Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
@trevso_electric Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.