@Lipgloss_Nerd

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

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@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

@ladyfiredancer

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

@Bill_Nye_Tho

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@peachgrenade

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

@Kyle_Raney

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP