My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.