My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

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Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’


Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.


[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?


When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.


there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now


*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?


Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.


In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.


Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP