My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
When ur friends with white people
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.